I have problems planning my actions. I know what I am supposed to do. But really going through the motions to perfectly accomplish it is hard. I think my motor planning is affected by a lot of things. It is affected by momentarily putting my stims on hold. I tame my pitiful body to more withstand the environment. I assert my will on each sense. It takes a lot of energy and concentration. A lot of times I can't do it still but I am getting a lot better. I am hard to part with stims. Stims make it easier for me to deal with stress going through my senses. I hear each sound at one volume. I tear up hearing so much. I hear the electricity, water running, outside traffic and noise, and people's voices. Ceasing to hear extraneous noises requires lots of concentration to block out. Stims help. To pace or flap helps senses regulate.
I try hard to calm my sanity each day. Anxiety from the world's expectations of being normal each day awaken a fight or flight reaction. Sometimes I reach for clothes to pull. I don't mean to hurt anyone but I sometimes act out of fear or frustration. Heading out of uncomfortable situations is another sometimes annoying thing I do. I really annoy people with my tendency to escape. I have been trying to very much really ease up in my anxieties by listening to the Bible and praying. This helps me very much. I chase God's peace each day.
To get my body going I need prompts to initiate and keep going. On my own my body cannot have many other activities other than thinking, listening, and stimming. When I have to go carry out a motor plan like picking up my trash off the floor and putting it in the garbage can, I must address my mom's voice telling me what to do. I have to read my environment. I look around for the trash. Sometimes I get distracted from my plan by catching sight of something else and picking it up instead. I need reminders until I have it down automatically. Reading sensory input creates a mental map for me to route my aim to tame my actions purposely. I am wired autistically, not like most people. Being normal is hard. Like a thin garment that covers me sparingly, I am wearing my motor plan over my natural tendency to make peace with my senses by stimming and defending my nervous system by avoiding anxiety producing situations. I take each poached practiced skill and each day try to assimilate it into my being. I eagerly wish to make them so a part of me that it is no longer hard for me. I take each motor skill I have and really try to build up my skills further and better. I apply my pointing to spelling my thoughts. I eagerly learn new skills like soccer, reading books on my own, cleaning my mess, using my speech and writing more, daring to socialize more, saving nonsense for free time, and attending to teachers better. It is real hard to learn skills at first without prompts to set the motor plan in place. Teaching me skills is really important but communication is the most essential quality to my artistry as a human being.
I am trying to love myself as autistic and overcome the hard parts. In my Sunday school class, Mr. Maurer helped me understand a lot about teaching myself each day that regular life is overrated. I can still each day do a lot of things. They may look differently, but I am still important. I am teaching many people about autism and how people can accept us too. I need your understanding. I am living a life I love now. I wish for other Autistics to find their potentials being reached too.
July 2014- at ICI Autism conference