Thursday, August 20, 2015


By Philip

Anxiety gets in the way of my life. My body not working well causes anxiety. Anxiety further causes my body to fail me. I can't escape anxiety. I am anxious all the time. 

I want to be able to control my body better.  I have a body with a mind of its own. I am practically pleading with my body each day to listen to my mind. I try to get it to act normally but my body won't listen to my instructions. I mean to learn to use my thinking brain more than my impulsive brain. I am annoying to live with. I often go to my siblings’ and parents' bedrooms and take their toothbrushes. I am really bad. I mess so many things. I am ruled by impulses in these moments. I am an escaper too. I have a tendency to ask for the bathroom to avoid uncomfortable situations. I flee when I am overwhelmed with stress or fear and don't know what to do. I am shy. I wish I could have a more outgoing personality. Peace could come if I could control my actions better. I am so paranoid I will lose control and make a fool of myself. I am peacefully accepting I cannot make my autism go away. Therefore I am going to have to live my best with autism. I am making an effort to put more good practice in purposeful movement. I want to act more normally and appropriately.

Autism is very very challenging because it affects everything I experience. I am always trying to protect myself from an overwhelming feeling of dread. It can come anytime:  a child's cry, a bombardment of sound, or a tough patch in my development in communication. These can make me feel so helpless, out of control, and painful. Nothing pacifies me completely. I go to God's word to help me. It helps but accepting wisdom the Lord gives is by faith and trust. It talks to me only when I am seeking. But asserting God's wisdom asks I be peaceful enough to hear. My prayer is that God give me a less anxious heart so I can make a wise choice to daily participate in the world more. I sometimes wish I could see Him and ask Him to rid me of anxiety for good.

A moment of calm at the lake.

Copyright 2015 Philip Reyes.  All rights reserved.


  1. Philip thank you for sharing in such an honest and transparent way. I'm so grateful for your words and how they help me understand and deepen my compassion for others. I'm going to commit to pray for you as well in overcoming anxiety. I just read an article on anxiety that was very interesting. I'll come back and post it for you and your mom to read.

  2. Very touching & cadid admission of a person with autism coping with anxiety. Reading this as a parent makes me feel that I should also give more individual space to my son who an adult in the spectrum. I should respect his feelings.

  3. Philip, Know that you are in our prayers too. I'll make sure I include prayers for peace and a calm spirit for you.

  4. Philip, thanks for writing about these struggles. I have been planning to post on our blog some of James' thoughts on anxiety because it truly affects every day of his life and it is hard to know how to help and support his anxiety. We keep praying for help and healing!
    Brooke and James

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  6. I am plagued with anxiety as well. Anxiety reads as pain in brain scans.

  7. This brought tears to my eyes, because I often see similar thoughts reflected in my darling son's face when he's trying to communicate something to me. Thank you for sharing this. Mel at clearpanicaway