Anxiety gets in the way of my life. My body not working well causes anxiety. Anxiety further causes my body to fail me. I can't escape anxiety. I am anxious all the time.
I want to be able to control my body better. I have a body with a mind of its own. I am practically pleading with my body each day to listen to my mind. I try to get it to act normally but my body won't listen to my instructions. I mean to learn to use my thinking brain more than my impulsive brain. I am annoying to live with. I often go to my siblings’ and parents' bedrooms and take their toothbrushes. I am really bad. I mess so many things. I am ruled by impulses in these moments. I am an escaper too. I have a tendency to ask for the bathroom to avoid uncomfortable situations. I flee when I am overwhelmed with stress or fear and don't know what to do. I am shy. I wish I could have a more outgoing personality. Peace could come if I could control my actions better. I am so paranoid I will lose control and make a fool of myself. I am peacefully accepting I cannot make my autism go away. Therefore I am going to have to live my best with autism. I am making an effort to put more good practice in purposeful movement. I want to act more normally and appropriately.
Autism is very very challenging because it affects everything I experience. I am always trying to protect myself from an overwhelming feeling of dread. It can come anytime: a child's cry, a bombardment of sound, or a tough patch in my development in communication. These can make me feel so helpless, out of control, and painful. Nothing pacifies me completely. I go to God's word to help me. It helps but accepting wisdom the Lord gives is by faith and trust. It talks to me only when I am seeking. But asserting God's wisdom asks I be peaceful enough to hear. My prayer is that God give me a less anxious heart so I can make a wise choice to daily participate in the world more. I sometimes wish I could see Him and ask Him to rid me of anxiety for good.
A moment of calm at the lake.
Copyright 2015 Philip Reyes. All rights reserved.