My Body's Struggle

I am autistic and have dyspraxia. That means I have problems making my body move the way I want it to. This is why I have trouble speaking, writing, and using my gross motor skills to interact with others. Having dyspraxia is the biggest problem for me. It is what confuses people most and makes me feel the most isolated. 

My body’s behavior is a very poor reflection of who I am on the inside. I am seemingly a lost child unaware of what is going on around me.  I come across as not being smart or capable. I mean to be more helpful but I am barely able to make myself stay regulated to do much without being beckoned to stim or give into an impulse to relieve stress. My body is a saboteur to my mind’s true intentions. 

If my body were in control I would make it sit attentively in class. I would take the most interesting classes which for me are math and social studies. I would be able to write complex equations by myself and be able to solve them. I would want to learn to play the piano like Mozart my favorite composer. I would try out for the soccer team and have lots of friends. I would be very active in volunteering to help my school be a place that includes everyone because I know what it is like to be an outsider. 

Making my body cooperate is my life long struggle. I work on it by exercising to make stronger neural connections. I continue Rapid Prompting Method to build my communication skills with new people and get more independent. I have hope I will improve in my body. Rehearsing the future me in my mind of how I can be gives me the power to work hard and not give up.

Copyright 2019 Philip Reyes.  All rights reserved.

Sensory Play and Stims

Ms. M writes: 

Hi Philip,

I have a question. Last night, E found a jar of Nutella. He played with it on the carpet. I know that it is a sensory thing. He also likes mashing bananas and anything creamy. Sometimes I give him a box with beans or rice in it so he can have his sensory play. But why does he like putting things on the carpet? And he keeps on repeating this.

Dear Ms. M,

I like that you are asking me about sensory play. I am a sensory seeker. I am a messy person too. I like to use all my senses to play. Maybe that is why I am most messy. I always want to teach myself through my senses. I am able to learn by using my senses. My manner of play is different than most kids. I am exploring my world by no one's standard. Play makes me happy in my own way so don't think it has to have a purpose. Good play makes all my senses aroused. For example, flowers are pretty to look at. They smell nice. They feel nice twirling in my hands. I even like their taste. I can be messy by leaving bits of flowers all over the house. Mom sometimes gets upset and makes me clean it.

My sensory play can also take me to a place in my mind. I can think more clearly. I am thinking about all the questions I have about life. God really speaks to me. Stimming is like a moat around a castle.  I surround myself with things to keep myself out of danger from sensory bombardment, which make me feel overwhelmed.  I zip along attentively looking for my favorite objects to stim on. Meaningful objects like flowers or my favorite happy wooden tapping stick attract my attention, keeping me from taking in every sensation. I peacefully manage my days this way.

I think your son is stimming on Nutella because it pleases his senses. It feels and smells and tastes good. I am not a fan of creamy textures so I can't answer for him. My advice is to try caring to understand that sensory play is important. You might try making mushy things to play with and let him play where it is allowed. Good luck.

Philip

At the Botanical Gardens July 2014

Copyright 2015 Philip Reyes.  All rights reserved.

Writing

I write for pain relief. Pain comes in many forms. My senses make lots of trouble for me. Tons of minute details pull for my attention. Meaningful things compete each day for my focus.  They must compete against my impulse to be drawn to insignificant things such as a napkin to shred or a glass bottle to tap. I am panicked to leave my stims because I get overwhelmed by sounds and sights coming at me all at once. In school in PE I must keep moving to take my focus off the loud echoes from the gym. I must move in my seat to not be bothered by the seat's metallic hardness. I must allow myself to tap objects to find myself amidst all the chaos. I hope I cease being hindered by stims. I am compelled to stim so much it gets in the way of meeting my goals to be included in my regular classes. I am smart enough to do the work. But my teachers say it's not enough. I have to sit well. I have to be a little more focused. I have to be more quiet. I like to write to try to think about my life and how I can improve. I am peaceful when I can explain my thoughts and feelings. It relieves my anxieties more than stims. I care to replace some annoying stims with smart decisions. I forget to use my thinking brain when my senses get overloaded or I feel nervous by people's expectations. I can remember mom's words that people like me. I can learn not to be too anxious about many things that don't really hurt me. I can reason about situations. I can peacefully breathe to slow my body. Writing is my outlet for teaching myself each day and contributing to society. I love writing. It is my passion. I mean to be a writer. I like to imitate people I am admiring. I like Malala, potent authors, my friend Ryan, and my mom. I hope to learn to be more like them. I mean to write to make my thoughts be always remembered. Each day I try to write to be peaceful in my soul. I write to heal. In writing I find my joy.

Love,

Philip

Philip's 12th Birthday

Acoustics- A Music Teacher's Question

A writes:

I am going to be graduating with a music education degree in May and I am hoping to get a job at a middle school teaching beginning band. My question is what could I as a teacher do in that environment to help autistic kids who want to learn instruments, but may get overwhelmed by all of the stimuli going on in the room? What do you think would help you in that situation? Love your blog! Just discovered it yesterday and have been reading it nonstop. It helped me understand some of the autistic students I have had in the past better.

A

Philip writes:

I am a lover of music. Music plays a mighty role in my life. I am moved by a beautiful song. I am moved by melodies and good lyrics. Music is loved but sometimes it can be too loud. I am very sensitive to sound. Acoustics play a role. I have apprehension when I enter a room with hard floors and walls.  Loud sounds bounce piercing frequencies. They kill my peaceful enjoyment of music.  I feel like a glass man easily shattered by active waves of giant sound. However, I do not want to be this fearful. I toughen up by facing my fears. I am losing my sensitivity to loud places by going to them more often. I can go in church. I can go in a gym and to movies.  To face a hard environment, I am mindful of me wanting to participate. I tell myself that man attains nothing by allowing his surroundings real power to stop him from what he wants to do. I try to withstand the sensory torment by stimming to calm my nerves. In my quest to socialize I make my stims try to blend in.  I cover my stims by whispering to myself my own song to try to calm down. My advice to kids who want to learn an instrument but get overloaded is to master his fear by telling himself peace will be limited if you avoid everything that brings apprehension. To put fear to rest, address the job of meeting his goal. Make a plan to get there. Get help if needed. Learn to adapt.  And when you conquer your fear, and achieve your goal, you will achieve true peace.

You can help your students by asking them if they can tolerate auditoriums. If they can't but still want to learn, may they wear noise-cancelling headphones? You can also try to gradually expose them to the auditorium. I am peaceful in the auditorium after a year of trying little by little. Patient teachers are the best.

Philip's favorite instrument is the piano.  He can't play yet, but maybe in the future...

Aggression Explained

Ms. K writes:

Hi Philip!

I found your blog through The Mighty, and just wanted to start off by saying thanks for sharing your thoughts with the world. 

I have a cousin who has autism and does not speak. He's an adolescent and getting to the point where he has violent behaviors that we're not able to de-escalate or predict easily. For instance, he pinches and hits very often, even when he doesn't appear to be upset at all. Do you have any advice for how to help him reduce these types of behaviors or any insight as to what may be causing him to act this way?

 

Thanks so much and keep it up!

Ms. K

To Ms. K,

I am telling you about aggression. I act aggressive when I feel extremely anxious.  I get anxious in a brand new situation or a stressful time. I have stress when I am not able to properly act to expectations. I go seeking my stims a lot for comfort. Treacherous times come when my stims are not enough to calm me. I try to get away at all costs. I will pull at people's clothes or bang my head. People try to stop me but I don't have the ability until I meet peace again. I understand I hurt people and I hate when I do it. I feel so sorry. To deescalate aggression, attend to making me safe and let me have time to rest. Peace will come again.

Nonverbal people who cannot communicate well have a lot of fear and frustration. They aggress to show their feelings. I was once there. It was a nightmare. I am acting now as an advocate for them. I am teaching people to get learning about RPM (Rapid Prompting Method) and alter people's lives with communication.

From,

Philip