Understanding a Young Autistic Child

Philip answers a question from a mother who has a son with a recent autism diagnosis.

Hello Philip. I have a 3 and a half yr old son and he was diagnosed with autism before he was 3. I’m having a hard time; really hard because he never listens to me. I don’t know if he understands or is just not paying attention. Sometimes he responds but most of the time he ignores me. He used to recite ABC's and numbers but now he says nothing. At an early age, did you act like that too? I'm in need of understanding his behavior. And I know no one around me with this kind of case on their children.  Thank you for creating this page. 

Best regards,

Ms. J

Dear Ms. J, 

I am an Autistic since birth. Understand our brains are not neurotypical. Not looking or talking does not mean not thinking. All people need love and understanding even when they can't express themselves. I can try to understand you to see your side in this. I know you are worried. Autism is different. People make life difficult for your son to fit in. Moms want to fix everything. My mom wants me to not make mistakes but I make a lot. I can learn from mistakes. You can try to understand your son is learning. No one needs to baby him. My advice is to treat him at his age.  No matter what, please veer him toward the normal world as much as possible. He each day learns from being exposed to many experiences. Listening to people’s words amounts to many momentous memories.  Watch what you say around him. Make sure you talk about nice things. No one should have to hear about their deficits without also hearing about their strengths. 

I was like your son when I was younger. I was always listening but not always responding in a way people understood. This was because my body would not follow my mind’s directions. There are moments my body could obey better but it is not consistent all the time. When I was younger, I was able to talk better with my mouth. I had to put my learning at the mercy of ABA to make me talk like a neurotypical person. I was only able to speak as I was trained to talk through repetition. I could not express what I really wanted to say. Popular therapies like ABA and speech could not help me truly communicate because they lack presumption of intelligence. No Autistic wants to be made to feel inferior.  I am finally able to tell my true thoughts by typing. I hope you give your son the opportunity to be himself as Autistic and make his life better by accommodating his challenges in fitting into a neurotypical world.

From,

Philip

These are some of Philip's previous posts which explain the following (click to read):

Eye Contact

Movement 

Flapping 

Difficulty of Self-Control

Philip supporting his brother at a soccer game

Eye Contact

D writes:

Hi Philip,



My sister, who has a son with autism, just told me about your page. I am a big admirer of what you're doing.

I am trying to learn everything I can about what life is like for my nephew so I can interact with him better. As I'm only just discovering your page, I'm not sure if you've covered this topic before: Why is it so difficult to make eye contact with people? For me, it was always hard to communicate with my nephew because I used to think he wasn't paying attention since he was looking away or stimming, which made it seem like it was impossible for him to hear what I was saying. I know better now, but would love to find out more about what it's like. Thank you for opening up your world to us - you are an inspiration! 



D


Coral Springs, Florida

Philip writes:

I am letting you know about eye contact. My eyes see very well. Most people seem to need to have to look long and hard to make sense of a picture. I can take in a whole picture at a glance. Each day I see too many little petty details. I look away to not get overwhelmed by a lot of little bits of information. I watch things a teacher or person I listen to tell me to watch. This helps me concentrate on what I should be focusing on. I can search for a teacher's voice to try to focus on. I am academically learning best when I sit side by side with a teacher. A seat on the side keeps me focused on your voice, and not on visual distractions. I am assessing many sounds too. I have to erase some stimuli to access my answers to people's questions and meet their demands. That is why I don't make eye contact. I am always listening. I listen a lot to voices. I so love when people talk to me and are not talking like I am not there. I am active because I am unable to feel my body well. People think I am being rude but I can't help it.  I need to move to feel my body but sitting down at least helps me not walk away from you. Please peacefully talk to your nephew. Let him know you understand. I am sad when people think I don't like them. I love people.

From, 

Philip

Corrales, New Mexico, Christmas 2014

An Awkward Problem

By Philip

I am dealing with awkward behaviors all the time. At school I sometimes pace when I should be sitting or I shout out when I should be quiet. People think i am doing it on purpose. I am not. I get caught momentarily mightily by an impulse. My body cannot stop itself. I momentarily lose control. People can plead with me to stop. I want to listen but at times my body won't obey. Ramming against a caring mind is my body. Going near loud noise hurts me literally. I am each day daring hard to fit in.  A tame mind can ease my day. Peace comes day to day from people who accept me at home, school, and church. Popular ideas about autism say we don't care about people.  This is not true. People intimidate me because I cannot talk or act normal. Peacefulness awakens when people understand me and like me.

Pacing is an annoying habit of mine.  I annoy others by walking away and not looking at them. I seem to be rude. People think I am ignoring them. I am listening always and can't concentrate on what you are saying unless I look away. There is no way to help my body stop except by making me sit. I also need to not be made to look at you when you talk to me. 

I shout out to release tension from fear, frustration, or stress. People hate when I yell. I mightily wail that I even hurt my own ears. I have lots more annoying behaviors like smelling people or stealing people’s food and drinks.  Lucky I have mom to put up with me.

Listen openly to me. Please be patient with people like me.  No matter the behavior, we want to be included. I long to be like my brother Carlos. I want to play soccer and be cool too. My goal is to be more courteous and less annoying.

(The following is a response to the question, “What is the difference between an impulse and stim?”)

Impulse is trying to reach for peace momentarily but it is opposite in potential. Peace never comes from acting on impulse. It only brings remorse. Unlike impulses, stims are necessary for living. Stims should be tolerated at times. One day you might learn to appreciate them. Ceasing to stim bodes poorly on my thinking. Lots of thinking happens as I pace, flap, or use another movement. I think stims are healthy but impulses are not. Help me by stopping impulses but allowing stims as long as they do not hurt anyone.

Understanding Stims and Eye Contact

Philip has told me numerous times that one of his missions is to help people understand autism.  It makes it easier for him and others like him to integrate into society when people understand why they do the things they do.  Stims, or repetitive body movements such as hand-flapping, tapping objects, twirling strings, or pacing, are a source of a lot of misunderstanding by neurotypical people.  I remember thinking they were purposeless actions and sought to extinguish these when Philip was younger.  I am learning now from Philip that they do serve a big purpose.  Philip has a love –hate relationship with stims.  He needs them to relax and enjoys them, but at the same time realizes it isolates him from others.  I think as we get to understand the different functions stims serve autistic people, we will act more compassionately and be able to overlook the differences in outward appearance so we could see the true person.

A conversation with Philip (Philip’s words are in bold):

Tell me about stims.

Stimming is each time I deal with stress.  I am respecting my body’s needs to mend itself from tension, hurt, and stress.

What is this tension, hurt, and stress caused by?

They are caused by nearly every understood thing.  Some aches each awaken a stim.  They are pains like a stomach ache or needed mind artist.

What is a mind artist?

Someone who understands our struggle.  It hurts when people don’t understand.

Is stimming ever not fun?

Y (yes).  When it gets in the way of searching out real solutions to problems.

When someone stops you from stimming, how do you feel?

I feel tested and torn apart.

Are there times when you should be stopped?

When I am not happy.

How should we stop you?

Please be tactful and kind to me. 

What should we do when you bang your head?

 

I am needing rest and comfort. 

Lia asked Philip last Saturday, “Why do you not look at the person talking to you?”

Because I am shy and feel nervous.  I get tongue-tied and need to concentrate without looking at the person.

*Philip's addendum:  I like to kid around too much.  Stims are fun and I like them.  
I take this to mean that stims can be a lot like our own habits sometimes.  We do them for different reasons.  Sometimes it is purely because we enjoy them.  Other times for stress relief.  Still others times we may take something we like to the extreme where it can be unhealthy.  

 Philip at age 3