Flapping

By Philip

I love to flap my hands.  No one goes through the trouble I have to feel my body.  Dare to feel each moment floating in space.  I carry least weight and each day I go crazy not knowing how my body will act sometimes without my mind's control.  Most people have portly muscle mass to feel their own weight.  I do not.  I like to flap, daring to fly like a bird off a tree.  I flap to mean to fly away to freedom from my body.  Each day instead of carrying weight, I carry air.  It is damning.  It is hard to live so meaningfully.  I cannot do anything most people take for granted like I cannot talk, lip read (when asked to explain, wrote- I cannot make eye contact when people talk to me), I cannot each day very well act normal.  I need to flap so I can feel my placement in space.  If I don't, I place myself in hell.  I have killer fears of feeling weightless.  I feel like I might disappear.  I lie in peace momentarily when I am dealing with pillows of cotton.  I love blankets for this reason too.  I am insensitive to recreational behaviors like learning sports bc I cannot play like everyone else.  I dearly need to exercise.  I barely have strength in my muscles.  I even have no meaningful movement except my finger.  Each day I dearly need a sensory diet.  I have a goal of easing my ability to annoy others.  I am not trying to annoy others but it happens all day long.