Love is joining hearts.
Most of my life is spent apart.
It’s hard for me to be a friend.
Have autism that never ends.
It keeps me chained inside my mind.
Without a way out for others to find.
Fragmented pieces of myself I try to show.
Please put them together so you may know
I love.
I love to be loved.
2020 was a rough year. I hope 2021 will be much better.
2020 had many challenges. I felt very stressed and anxious. I went on medication that has helped. I still need to learn how to cope so I can learn to be more resilient to changes.
Making my body more compliant to do what I am supposed to do is my number one goal this year.
Freaking out body has been my biggest problem this year. For the first half of the year I was aggressive towards others when I got stressed. I would grab and scratch people. I did not want to do it but this is how my body acted automatically when stressed.
In September I started propranolol and Lexapro for anxiety. Propranolol kept me from having fight or flight responses. This helped me tremendously. I stopped being aggressive. It made me more relaxed because i was no longer attacking others and hurting them.
My latest problem is getting paralysis. I lose functional movement at times. I cannot make my body obey. I hate when it happens.
People think I am being willfully resistant, like I am having a battle of wills with them. I am not trying to disobey people. My body gets stuck. It gets unstuck on its own. But the more demands there are the more it keeps being stuck.
I understand how frustrating this is for everyone around me. I think it causes lots of power struggles. I know I have to do something and I plan to do it once I can.
In 2021 my goal is to have my body be better behaved. I want it to be calm and well mannered. I want it to listen and obey what it should. I want it to stop freaking out. I want it to stop freezing.
I think I will try to get back to exercising. I want to work on handwriting. I should pray and read Bible everyday. I want to get back to writing more. I hope I can meet my goals this year.
Happy New Year!
