Tuesday, June 30, 2020


I am dealing with anxiety a lot. Anxiety gets me aggressive and fearful. I hate when I get anxious because I have no control over my grabbing. The grabbing hurts people I love. It makes them not want to interact with me as much. The more anxious I get because I am afraid of being out of control. This results in me being depressed not being able to trust myself being around people. 

My mom was mad I could not control myself. She practiced being calm although she was making me more stressed out by her sadness. Nothing could be said to make me feel less anxious. 

I am trying to get my anxiety under control over the summer. The welcome break from school gives me time to get myself in a good place before school starts again. 

Everyone wants to know what made me anxious. I think anxiety is a biological thing in me. Fear is from not being able to stop my anxiety from messing up my relationships with people when aggressive impulses overwhelm me. Anxiety gets worse every time I get aggressive. The way I have dealt with this fear is to withdraw. 

This past month my mom took an online class to learn about how she could help me overcome anxiety. I think it will help. Mom would tell me what she learned on our walks. I learned about how my autonomic nervous system has sympathetic and parasympathetic parts. It even has an enteric nervous system that is like a second brain found in the gut. The autonomic nervous system reacts automatically. Losing control of my behaviors could be linked to my autonomic nervous system. I liked this explanation because I have not been able to control myself by willpower. Wanting to behave has not made me behave. 

Mom is learning ways to help me have a more regulated nervous system by nutrition and exercise. I am also trying a probiotic to keep my gut healthy. I have had stomachaches for many years. Maybe it is related to my anxiety.

This summer my goal is to get my anxiety under control. I will do this by learning to eat better, get more exercise, meditation, getting better sleep, and gradually exposing myself to situations that cause me stress and not back away from challenges. 

I want to be able to live comfortably in society as best as I can. 

Special thanks to Mike Ramirez of SpecialFit for sharing his expertise on the body, nervous system, nutrition, and exercise in his Parent Mentoring Program. You can find out more about his programs at www.special-fit.com or on Facebook at www.facebook.com/SpecialFit/

 Doing work in the garden is calming 

Mike Ramirez coaching a student at his SpecialFit Gym in California

Tuesday, June 2, 2020

My Thoughts on George Floyd

I am sad about what is happening in our country with how black people are being treated. They are not seen as equally valued as whites by our society. The murder of George Floyd by a police officer was the latest publicly seen injustice by our society’s institution of the police.  The police are supposed to be used for our protection. The police should be the good guys and help others be safe. Instead there are some bad cops that make many black people fearful and bring trauma and even death unnecessarily. George Floyd is a human being who had feelings, family, and should have had many more years to live. Instead his life ended being suffocated at the mercy of a police officer who cruelly crushed his neck until he died.  The officer did not look like he cared. He looked like he wanted to show he could do whatever he wanted to because he has the power. 

I want go address how this inequality is evil. It makes our country grow more divided and hateful towards each other.  If those in power keep resisting change or do not acknowledge there is a problem with racism this cycle of violence and increasing fear will destroy everyone. We need to listen to black people and support them in getting the things they need to thrive in society like whites. 

People must recognize how minorities don’t get the same treatment as the majority. I am not black but I belong to several minority groups. I am asian, hispanic, autistic, nonspeaking, and disabled. I do not know what it is like to be black, but I do know what it is like to live with disadvantages. I cannot speak like everyone else and I am misjudged all the time. I am often expected to comply with expectations made by others. I fear when I am misunderstood.  I think another majority injustice is when majority sets the rules that affect minorities. I am mentioning this because I have had my voice and communication oppressed at a school that dismissed it and by autism professionals who said it is not real.

There are institutions that are unfair and unequal. I am proposing more equal education in which a diversity of voices are taught. People should give support to disadvantaged people more than those who already have advantages. People should listen more without trying to win an argument. People should try to be understanding rather than defensive of their own perspective. 

I think the world can still get better. People need to listen to minority voices. They need to welcome us as equals. We must stop ignoring those who are different. Let's be a nation that is truly united and loving to all people. We are going to be the best nation if we can fix our problem with racism. 

Friday, April 24, 2020


I want to learn to handwrite. For most people this seems like it is so easy. Learning to write is very hard to do because my body is so apraxic. I mean to move one way but my nerves are all miswired. I mean to make my hand go right but instead it makes a movement to grab. I try to lift my hand but it just keeps going. Learning to get my body to learn new skills takes so much of my energy to accomplish. I get afraid I will never succeed. I get discouraged that all my energy will be wasted. I am worried other people won’t be patient enough to help me when my body gets crazy from the stress of making it do hard things. 

Handwriting is something I want to do so I can write my signature and fill out forms. I think writing is good for wanting to communicate if I don’t have a letter board or keyboard available. Handwriting will allow me to use my hands in another way that is acceptable. I want to be able to control my hands so I don't use them in bad ways like pinching, grabbing, or scratching people. Learning to control my hands is very hard but it will be worth it.

Copyright 2020 Philip Reyes.  All rights reserved.

Saturday, April 11, 2020

Easter Thoughts During Covid-19 Year

This Easter is going to be very different from other Easters. It is the first time we won’t go to church or eat with family other than my immediate family. I won’t see Lolo and Lola, my Uncle and Aunt, or my cousins. 

I am going to be a lot more focused on Jesus’s resurrection and victory over death. Peace is ours because nothing can defeat Jesus or those who put their faith in Him. I am going to be more careful to be thankful. I have taken so much for granted like school, seeing friends, going out to see a movie or my sister’s meets. We have had a virus take it all away. In a really short time so much has changed. No going out means lots of time to sleep, watch TV, and think about things more deeply. 

I am going to be more mindful of how Jesus beat Satan. Satan thought killing Jesus would be his victory. He would take away the disciples’ leader and throw the believers into doubt, fear, and confusion. Without Jesus the religious hypocrites would stay in power and gag all of Jesus’s teachings. But a greater power won out. God was going to win all along. Nothing could beat God whose love makes every obstacle a good thing in the end. 

Good Friday wasn’t looking good in the beginning. But Easter changed it. Right now things may look bleak. I am anxious that many will get sick and die. I am anxious about me regressing and getting worse at handling myself in society. I want to remind myself and everyone that God will win over coronavirus. Be hopeful when things look bad. In the end God will use our tragedies for good. Remember that Jesus died a cruel death on the cross, but He rose on Easter to show He has power over the greatest tragedy of all, death. 

Happy Easter! 

Painted by a family friend 

A friend's door painted in celebration

Happy Easter!!!
 Copyright 2020 Philip Reyes.  All rights reserved.

Thursday, March 26, 2020

Quarantine Thoughts

It is a time of self-isolation. We need to do this for protecting others so we don’t get them sick. I am thinking about my time in quarantine. I think it has been good for me. I needed time away from normal life to get a chance to find peace. I have made rest a priority during this time. I have needed to rest for a long time. I want to be able to have energy to be able to do the important things in life. I was so exhausted all the time trying to meet demands of others and improve myself. I could not rest so I broke down. I was on edge all the time and I would get set off by any stress. Soon I was even being angry and aggressive without provocation. I needed to get out of the train that was headed to nowhere good. I am freeing myself to slow down without feeling guilty. Quarantining will save many lives from Covid-19. It may also give some people a much needed break from a too-busy and stress-filled world.
My 17th birthday in quarantine

Thursday, February 20, 2020

Choosing My Path at School

I am really stressed about next school year. I have to plan my school path for transition. I am going to be an adult soon. I won’t be in school much longer. I won’t go to college because I am not getting a diploma. I am going to school for life skills. 

I am preparing for my life. I am going to have a good life doing things I care about and want to do.  I care about advocating for people to have a voice. I want to do this by my writing and by personally speaking at forums. 

At school I am facing decisions about my school program. Some say I should do more vocational training like auto shop. But I am lousy at doing skilled labor. My body is the problem and my mind is my strength. I would just get more anxious having to do things that are hard and not interesting to me.

I would like to keep learning interesting things with my mind.  I have enjoyed my electives, especially Current Events. They teach me good skills for writing and listening. I would like to continue taking electives. I am interested in more literary and social studies classes. I would enjoy those more than making crafts or putting things together. 

I am going to tell my school to please keep me in academic classes. I can always learn skills later on.

Wednesday, January 29, 2020

My Trip to the Philippines

I made lots of memories in the Philippines. My best vacation ever was going to the Philippines this holiday break. I was able to see where my Lolo and Lola are from. I met my relatives on my mom’s side. 

I flew on an airplane for 17 hours straight. Being in the plane was like going in a time machine that added hours to your life. I got my days mixed up. When we landed in Manila it was Sunday morning but it felt like Saturday. 

We were greeted by Tito Randy, Tita Beth, Tito Edgar, Tita Marisa, Auntie Zening, and her driver. We drove in three trucks because there were so many of us. We drove in lots of traffic. There were lots of motorcycles too. They drove in between the cars. It made me scared. I thought they might get hit.

We made our way to a nice resort in Subic Bay. It was beautiful. We went swimming and relaxed by the pool.  We met nice relatives.

Then we drove to Nueva Vizcaya where Lolo and Lola were born. We met lots of relatives. I saw many motorcycles with sidecars. They would carry whole families on them. People were everywhere outside going to market and walking around. 

We celebrated Christmas Eve at 2 parties. At the mayor’s party there were kids playing Christmas carols on their instruments. There was lots of food. Everyone was nice. But I was really beat from meeting so many people. I am glad I did though. I did not mean to get cranky but at times I wanted to hide. 

On Christmas day I went to a big party at the Lopez farm. It was in the mountains. It was beautiful and green. There was lots of food and good singing with the karaoke. We later had halo halo at the restaurant.

The next place we visited was Boracay. It is on a smaller island. We had to take a plane and a boat to get there. It had been hit by a typhoon before we got there. Damage to trees and buildings could be seen as we drove to the hotel. It was also crowded with motorcycles and tricycles. Power went out a lot. The beaches in Boracay were very pretty and blue. I enjoyed the water and sand. I also thought the boat trip to another island was fun. I liked riding on the water and feeling the wind. Action and adventure was really exciting. Boracay was magnificent.

Finally we went to Manila. We stayed in a fancy hotel on a high floor. Manila was big and busy. We ate at nice restaurants. We shopped in the biggest mall in the world. Catching up on sleep was nice because a lot of activity gets me too drained sometimes. Dad and I slept in a few days.

One day we drove to the Taal Volcano. It is a beautiful place. There is a lake formed from an old extinct volcano. Inside the lake is a volcano that is active. It wasn’t erupting the day we visited but I learned it did one week later. 

We had New Years in the hotel. From our room we saw lots of fireworks. It was awesome. Fireworks are pretty but not their sound.

The Philippines is a lovely place to visit. I am so glad I visited and met many relatives. I hope to go back again soon.