Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Peace is Hard to Find

Peace is very hard to find. Watching, waiting for my mind to answer questions. Why can’t I act normal? Why am I so fearful? Why am I not able to do the simplest things? Lots of questions. I am heaping many questions on God. I have the school of great teachers. I can learn but the beast that is my body makes me really hard to manage. It addresses every impulse every second of the day. I am tired of my body. It gets me in trouble all the time. I am always scared of its next move. I am really so embarrassed by its actions. I wish I could be seen by my thoughts instead of my actions. But we live in a world of appearance. I would like to be normal in my body but still have my autistic soul.

Philip

Saturday, October 27, 2018

Sensory Trouble

I have been having problems typing lately. I can still type with mom but I am no longer able to type at school. I am becoming more distracted by my sensory world. I feel trapped in my thoughts of madness. I see very many meaningless details. I feel every annoying itch. I hear the meaningless sound of everything competing with my teachers. I get overstimulated.

I need to get myself in the right zone to think for school. Leaving my sensory world is important so I can learn and make my words flow. The words can’t surface in the storm. I need an anchor to keep me from getting overwhelmed by the hurricane of stimuli. The anchor is my aide. I need to trust she will guide me out of the storm and keep me focused on the task. I mean to learn to be better at managing myself at school. But I am not doing well yet. I need even more support than I needed last year. I am calling on God to help me be able to get through this hard time in my life. Please pray for me.

Philip

Backhuysen, Ludolf - Christ in the Storm on the Sea of Galilee - 1695

Saturday, October 6, 2018

Trapped

I am locked in my mind

Cannot bail out my thoughts.

I try to say how i feel

but my mind is not carrying messages out today.

Waiting for the gates

Of my mind to be

Thrown open

Wide.