Pandemic Schedule

The coronavirus pandemic really tested my nerves. Lately, I am getting better with not letting my anxieties get the best of me. The lockdown from March to June was scary for me. I was not able to feel calm. I was too worried that someone I loved would get sick. I got worried I might get sick. I wanted to try to have a more positive outlook but seeing the news everyday got to be very distressing. Many people were getting sick and dying. I stayed at home every day. I got really messed up. My aggression got more difficult to control. I was grabbing anyone who came too near me just because I felt mad and anxious. 

 

Problems with my aggression and anxiety were getting so bad. I felt depressed because I was a hardship on my family and I could not stop myself from getting more treacherous to deal with. The worst was panicking in the car and grabbing the driver of the car. I was my lowest in June. I could barely do anything. 

 

Mom researched how to help me. Mom has been helping me by doing things to help me feel less anxious. Mom reads me a chapter in the Bible every morning. I love hearing it and talking about it. Then I practice handwriting to answer questions about what we read. Then we pray. Hearing the Bible helps me hear God’s voice so I can be more connected to His peace.

 

I have learned to quiet myself with meditation. Sometimes we listen to a meditation app to guide us. It is relaxing. 

 

Then I do my neurodevelopmental movement program and my Special-Fit exercises. It helps me feel more control over my body so my crazy impulses don’t surface as much. I lift weights because it is supposed to help me be more tolerant to stress. I feel good having exercise as a daily routine. 

 

I eat lunch next. I have been doing the ketogenic diet to help me with my anxiety. I eat salad or eggs for lunch. It is bearable. I don’t get my goldfish or grapes but I can still eat berries and cauliflower pizza.  I take a probiotic. Looks like my health is getting better. I am slowly getting better. I feel calmer and happier. I get more restful sleep and energy with being on this diet. 

 

In the afternoon I ride my bike. I watch TV. I visit my grandparents. I might write a little. Every Monday I see my friend Brielle on Zoom. We have a Bible study. Her Uncle Terry teaches us. I love getting to participate. Brielle and me get to share our thoughts. Fear that I had about covid-19 gets less as I get more close to God by hearing His word. 

 

At night I have a healthy dinner with my family at the table. I make myself eat everything that is served. I have tried new foods like salmon, cashews, broccoli, and snap peas. I never would have tried these before. 

 

After dinner I help with cleaning up the dishes. Sometimes I throw out the trash. Then I go on another bike ride, listen to piano, or watch TV with my family. 

 

That is my daily pandemic schedule. Making a schedule with healthy habits is helping me to get through the pandemic. 

 

Middle School: My Transition to Society

Simone writes: Hi Philip, my son is turning 15 now and he will start attending his first regular class next school year.  Can you share your experience and also give us some advice based on your own transition?

Transitioning from my autism school to regular school was a long process. I wanted to learn more interesting things than my autism school had to offer. I looked for more challenges to keep my mind sharp and active.  I wanted a regular education. I wanted to be like my siblings getting interesting things to learn about.  

I am learning to be patient about reaching my goals. Being in a body like mine is difficult. My body is geared as one built for another planet besides Earth. I have a difficult time feeling my body in space. I feel as if I don’t have weight.  I need a lot more sensory input than most people. I get input by moving, tapping, sniffing, and deep pressure to my body. Once I get calm, I need less input. Teachers learned that I needed sensory input throughout the day so I could feel calmer at school. I was allowed to take walks with my weighted vest before my regular classes. I had times I could have a break for listening to music, rocking on a chair, or smelling nice candles. It was a good thing to have sensory breaks.

I have made a lot of progress throughout my time at Heim Middle. When I look back when I first started in the middle of 5th grade, I am amazed I was not kicked out of the school. I talked less than almost all my autistic classmates. I could not use my letterboard well for my teachers. I got so anxious around everyone because I felt like I was a burden and a nuisance. This led to many meltdowns during my first few months at school. I was frustrated because I wanted to show I was smart and belonged there. But my body was like a wild bull not wanting to obey anyone. I would even make my teachers frightened by my aggressive actions that happened when I became overwhelmed with frustration or anxiety. I am fortunate my teachers put up with me while I was adjusting to a new school.

I got better at managing my body eventually. I learned to realize that even though I felt my body's negative sensations due to anxiety or stress, I could talk to myself about letting it pass without as much negative behavior from me. My mom and I started a morning routine of reading Bible verses and a devotion about it. I would write a morning report about it and post it on Facebook. I came to the realization that I could sit still by concentrating on God’s word and what I learned from it. I could calm my worries.

When I was able to relax more, I started to type much better with teachers. I got used to each person’s style of working with me. I wanted to work harder to be able to participate in regular classes. I was not able to go regularly until grade 7 when I started science, social studies, and technology. I learned to advocate for myself by typing my intentions at my IEP meeting. I almost was denied the opportunity but my speaking up in person made the difference.

My body is still lacking control though I have come very far. Taming my body is more than I can handle alone. That is why I needed an aide at all times. An aide keeps me on task and makes sure I do not get too distracted. I could not get through my days without my amazing aides. I learned to be more disciplined with my body but I know I must continue to work hard at this.

Impulsive behaviors sometimes set back my progress. I sometimes get in a phase of impulsivity where I do irrational things like flipping light switches rapidly or slamming doors. I know it annoys others a lot but I feel compelled to keep doing it. I have learned when I get impulsive, I have to stop what I am doing and question myself why I am doing it. I can sometimes make impulses go away faster now.

I have just finished 8th grade. I participated in my graduation ceremony. I walked across the stage by myself to receive my certificate. It was a very proud moment for me. I even went to the dance after. It was fun. I am going to miss Heim very much.

I am both excited and nervous to start high school.  It will be brand new with different teachers and aides. It is going to be another adjustment but maybe I will be more able to adjust better now. I have gained a lot of wisdom these past few years. I want my high school experience to be as good as middle school.  I hope everyone there will believe in me like my teachers in middle school did.

Philip

Copyright 2017 Philip Reyes.  All rights reserved.

Trauma

Ms. A writes:

My 12 yr old autistic daughter has had a rough year. This summer she broke her foot at the pool. After starting school on crutches, she was hit by a door when another student pushed it open. This caused a concussion. She has really struggled with controlling meltdowns and other stress reactions. She is starting to feel better, and is attending a full day of school again. But has started damaging things at home after a meltdown. She has never done this before. She is usually a sweet and very helpful girl. I was hoping you might understand what she is feeling and offer some insight.

Hi Ms. A,

People like me may have severe reactions to trauma. In my life I have many fears related to past experiences. When I was little I once had a cold shower. I was so traumatized by the feeling of the cold water raining like hail on my body that I have not taken a shower since. I am still fearful someone might accidentally turn on the shower while I am in the tub. People need to know that autistics have intense memories of lots of things. Your daughter had 2 traumatic experiences in a short amount of time. I think your daughter is having her fears take control over her. She has had some big accidents happen to her body. This would cause me tremendous anxiety. I am paralyzed by fear when I remember something awful. People need to know mean sensations can come while thinking about a past bad experience. Mean sensations are like mighty attacks of war on my stomach or head. I sometimes feel like I might die. It is the worst feeling. Peace comes when I am left alone to rest until the feeling passes. Make your daughter understand she is loved and that you are not mad at her.

I can eventually lessen the effects of trauma. For example, when I was 9 I went to bike camp for the first time. I was doing well, but on the last day I fell. I did not want to go on a bike for years. But mom signed me up for bike camp again when I was 12. This time I could communicate. Being able to communicate has helped me not be as anxious to trace a trauma to my memory. I can peacefully process my feelings. With people knowing I am smart and capable, I can trust them to help me do something that makes me nervous. Now I love to ride my bike.

I wish you and your daughter the best.

Love,

Philip

Peace

I am more at peace lately. Peace in my life is letting go of my worries and making God center of my life. Making autism center is not helpful. Man should never be the center. Perfect wisdom comes from God alone. Peace comes from really teaching me about God. My mom reads me the Bible everyday. I learn that God is at work teaching people about His great love. He loves us without ceasing. I am peaceful knowing God accepts me no matter what. Mom accepts me like God does. She loves me as I am right now. This is why I can start to feel my anxiety fade away.

I make more daring decisions now. I used to be afraid of almost everything. I feared a beach with its crashing waves and many people. Now I love playing in the sand and sea. I used to have meltdowns in a noisy auditorium. I feared I would make a terrible scene. Making a scene was a bigger fear than the actual noise.

I have developed some calming strategies. One is to pray. Handing over my worries to God really helps. Wanting to please my teachers has made me not behave as badly as in the past. Naturally I am unable to control my movements and stims well. But now I am able to be in control a little more. I am more able to be calmer in new situations. I am not so fearful of making mistakes. I know I will still be loved by God and by those who see me not as a bad boy but as the real me and still accepts me. I am more courageous. I am facing fears of failure by day to day understanding I will be ok even if I fail. God always loves me.

Philip learning to skate at SABAH

Copyright 2015 Philip Reyes.  All rights reserved.

Anxiety

By Philip

Anxiety gets in the way of my life. My body not working well causes anxiety. Anxiety further causes my body to fail me. I can't escape anxiety. I am anxious all the time. 

I want to be able to control my body better.  I have a body with a mind of its own. I am practically pleading with my body each day to listen to my mind. I try to get it to act normally but my body won't listen to my instructions. I mean to learn to use my thinking brain more than my impulsive brain. I am annoying to live with. I often go to my siblings’ and parents' bedrooms and take their toothbrushes. I am really bad. I mess so many things. I am ruled by impulses in these moments. I am an escaper too. I have a tendency to ask for the bathroom to avoid uncomfortable situations. I flee when I am overwhelmed with stress or fear and don't know what to do. I am shy. I wish I could have a more outgoing personality. Peace could come if I could control my actions better. I am so paranoid I will lose control and make a fool of myself. I am peacefully accepting I cannot make my autism go away. Therefore I am going to have to live my best with autism. I am making an effort to put more good practice in purposeful movement. I want to act more normally and appropriately.

Autism is very very challenging because it affects everything I experience. I am always trying to protect myself from an overwhelming feeling of dread. It can come anytime:  a child's cry, a bombardment of sound, or a tough patch in my development in communication. These can make me feel so helpless, out of control, and painful. Nothing pacifies me completely. I go to God's word to help me. It helps but accepting wisdom the Lord gives is by faith and trust. It talks to me only when I am seeking. But asserting God's wisdom asks I be peaceful enough to hear. My prayer is that God give me a less anxious heart so I can make a wise choice to daily participate in the world more. I sometimes wish I could see Him and ask Him to rid me of anxiety for good.

A moment of calm at the lake.

Copyright 2015 Philip Reyes.  All rights reserved.