My Body's Struggle

I am autistic and have dyspraxia. That means I have problems making my body move the way I want it to. This is why I have trouble speaking, writing, and using my gross motor skills to interact with others. Having dyspraxia is the biggest problem for me. It is what confuses people most and makes me feel the most isolated. 

My body’s behavior is a very poor reflection of who I am on the inside. I am seemingly a lost child unaware of what is going on around me.  I come across as not being smart or capable. I mean to be more helpful but I am barely able to make myself stay regulated to do much without being beckoned to stim or give into an impulse to relieve stress. My body is a saboteur to my mind’s true intentions. 

If my body were in control I would make it sit attentively in class. I would take the most interesting classes which for me are math and social studies. I would be able to write complex equations by myself and be able to solve them. I would want to learn to play the piano like Mozart my favorite composer. I would try out for the soccer team and have lots of friends. I would be very active in volunteering to help my school be a place that includes everyone because I know what it is like to be an outsider. 

Making my body cooperate is my life long struggle. I work on it by exercising to make stronger neural connections. I continue Rapid Prompting Method to build my communication skills with new people and get more independent. I have hope I will improve in my body. Rehearsing the future me in my mind of how I can be gives me the power to work hard and not give up.

Copyright 2019 Philip Reyes.  All rights reserved.

Middle School: My Transition to Society

Simone writes: Hi Philip, my son is turning 15 now and he will start attending his first regular class next school year.  Can you share your experience and also give us some advice based on your own transition?

Transitioning from my autism school to regular school was a long process. I wanted to learn more interesting things than my autism school had to offer. I looked for more challenges to keep my mind sharp and active.  I wanted a regular education. I wanted to be like my siblings getting interesting things to learn about.  

I am learning to be patient about reaching my goals. Being in a body like mine is difficult. My body is geared as one built for another planet besides Earth. I have a difficult time feeling my body in space. I feel as if I don’t have weight.  I need a lot more sensory input than most people. I get input by moving, tapping, sniffing, and deep pressure to my body. Once I get calm, I need less input. Teachers learned that I needed sensory input throughout the day so I could feel calmer at school. I was allowed to take walks with my weighted vest before my regular classes. I had times I could have a break for listening to music, rocking on a chair, or smelling nice candles. It was a good thing to have sensory breaks.

I have made a lot of progress throughout my time at Heim Middle. When I look back when I first started in the middle of 5th grade, I am amazed I was not kicked out of the school. I talked less than almost all my autistic classmates. I could not use my letterboard well for my teachers. I got so anxious around everyone because I felt like I was a burden and a nuisance. This led to many meltdowns during my first few months at school. I was frustrated because I wanted to show I was smart and belonged there. But my body was like a wild bull not wanting to obey anyone. I would even make my teachers frightened by my aggressive actions that happened when I became overwhelmed with frustration or anxiety. I am fortunate my teachers put up with me while I was adjusting to a new school.

I got better at managing my body eventually. I learned to realize that even though I felt my body's negative sensations due to anxiety or stress, I could talk to myself about letting it pass without as much negative behavior from me. My mom and I started a morning routine of reading Bible verses and a devotion about it. I would write a morning report about it and post it on Facebook. I came to the realization that I could sit still by concentrating on God’s word and what I learned from it. I could calm my worries.

When I was able to relax more, I started to type much better with teachers. I got used to each person’s style of working with me. I wanted to work harder to be able to participate in regular classes. I was not able to go regularly until grade 7 when I started science, social studies, and technology. I learned to advocate for myself by typing my intentions at my IEP meeting. I almost was denied the opportunity but my speaking up in person made the difference.

My body is still lacking control though I have come very far. Taming my body is more than I can handle alone. That is why I needed an aide at all times. An aide keeps me on task and makes sure I do not get too distracted. I could not get through my days without my amazing aides. I learned to be more disciplined with my body but I know I must continue to work hard at this.

Impulsive behaviors sometimes set back my progress. I sometimes get in a phase of impulsivity where I do irrational things like flipping light switches rapidly or slamming doors. I know it annoys others a lot but I feel compelled to keep doing it. I have learned when I get impulsive, I have to stop what I am doing and question myself why I am doing it. I can sometimes make impulses go away faster now.

I have just finished 8th grade. I participated in my graduation ceremony. I walked across the stage by myself to receive my certificate. It was a very proud moment for me. I even went to the dance after. It was fun. I am going to miss Heim very much.

I am both excited and nervous to start high school.  It will be brand new with different teachers and aides. It is going to be another adjustment but maybe I will be more able to adjust better now. I have gained a lot of wisdom these past few years. I want my high school experience to be as good as middle school.  I hope everyone there will believe in me like my teachers in middle school did.

Philip

Copyright 2017 Philip Reyes.  All rights reserved.

Impulses

I have been dealing with impulsive behaviors lately. An impulse is like having an itch you have to scratch. It only gets relieved by giving into it. People think we can just stop but it is almost impossible when the impulse comes.

I have been having impulses to throw things, flip light switches, spit, or request tickles. It is awful. I know it is rude and inappropriate and yet I cannot stop myself. I feel horrible when I cause trouble for others and myself. I feel anxious when I am having impulsive feelings. I feel I might cause a scene. Sometimes I do. One time I flipped a switch many times causing my classroom to have a strobe light ambience. Another time I threw my socks and shoes in class and had to leave the class.

I know I am hindering my chances to be more included when I act like this. Part of getting out of an impulsive loop is reminding myself what the consequences are to my actions. I also should take responsibility for my actions. I should pick up the things I throw. I should apologize for spitting and disruptive behavior. I should take some time to think about how my actions affect others.

Peace comes when I don’t give into an impulse. Like scratching an itch, giving into impulses always makes things worse. Learning to quiet impulses by purposeful alternative actions is my goal. I have given myself a motor plan of rubbing my hands together when impulsive thoughts start. I have been practicing at school. I am doing a lot better since I  started this. I hope my learning to control impulses can help others like me.

Relaxing in my "Space Explorer"

Copyright 2016 Philip Reyes.  All rights reserved.

Starting RPM and the Problem of Automatic Movement

TF asks:

Is it normal for there to be a lot of frustration when starting RPM?  My son tried to spell something on the board tonight but I could only get some of it out of him.  He said, "no one ever noticed."  Now he's in bed screaming.  I keep trying to comfort him but it's just not working.

To TF,

I want to talk about starting RPM. When I first started, I got frustrated because I wanted to be able to do it well right away. But I was unable to get my body to cooperate. I talked the answers in my head. But my very carefully made answers could not be expressed. I had to practice every day. I tended to go to an automatic motion. I went to make a motion to spell my answer but my finger would get distracted. I needed a prompt to get me out of my automatic responses. I am truthfully trying to do my best to get my words out without getting distracted. It is hard for me. I can’t get myself out of my automatic rhythms sometimes. My body can feel like it has a mind that is not in control of it. I may know exactly how I want to move, but my body has a set of commands it follows that I did not order. I am coaching myself constantly to carry out the right instructions. I am daily fighting the impulses that make my body automatically move without the planning from my thinking mind. It is very tiring and a part of my life always. No one can fully understand unless they are autistic too.

Philip

Behaviors and Making Better Choices

MK writes:

I have a question for you Phillip. Do/did you ever have challenging behaviors? Especially when you were overstimulated and nervous? Some friends hit or scream out. I think people would want to know what to do when someone with autism is reacting in an inappropriate way. I think people try to help but only make it worse. What is your opinion? I have many friends with autism so I have lots of questions for you.

To MK,

I have had some harmful behaviors. The most common behavior I have used is grabbing. I have grabbed people’s clothes and arms. I did this when I was overwhelmed with anxiety and stress. I mean to day to day be able to control my frustrations but I can’t always succeed. I am learning to last longer at meeting challenging situations by not resorting to my behaviors.

It was bad when I grabbed at my teachers at school. At one time I would grab a teacher’s collar if I got nervous about anticipating doing something difficult at school. I would continue to grab if I was made to do what was making me nervous. I could not stop. I hated my grabbing impulses because they would bury me in a fit of rage I could not come out of. I had to carry out the impulse until I had no energy left. I am ashamed of my behaviors. It was mean of me and I hated my actions. I knew they hurt people and made things worse. I would make people afraid of me.

Meaningful ways to better deal with stress and frustration should be talked about. I think some learning of coping skills should be understood. Learning Bible verses and daily devotions has helped me make better choices about my actions. I now try to learn self-control by meditating Bible teachings and praying to God to help me. I feel more calm and at peace. I am teaching myself to hear meaningful advice and follow it. I am now able to tell myself that I can do it. My autism may make things difficult to accomplish but accepting help from God and others makes me able to make each challenge easier to meet.

From,

Philip