My Body's Struggle

I am autistic and have dyspraxia. That means I have problems making my body move the way I want it to. This is why I have trouble speaking, writing, and using my gross motor skills to interact with others. Having dyspraxia is the biggest problem for me. It is what confuses people most and makes me feel the most isolated. 

My body’s behavior is a very poor reflection of who I am on the inside. I am seemingly a lost child unaware of what is going on around me.  I come across as not being smart or capable. I mean to be more helpful but I am barely able to make myself stay regulated to do much without being beckoned to stim or give into an impulse to relieve stress. My body is a saboteur to my mind’s true intentions. 

If my body were in control I would make it sit attentively in class. I would take the most interesting classes which for me are math and social studies. I would be able to write complex equations by myself and be able to solve them. I would want to learn to play the piano like Mozart my favorite composer. I would try out for the soccer team and have lots of friends. I would be very active in volunteering to help my school be a place that includes everyone because I know what it is like to be an outsider. 

Making my body cooperate is my life long struggle. I work on it by exercising to make stronger neural connections. I continue Rapid Prompting Method to build my communication skills with new people and get more independent. I have hope I will improve in my body. Rehearsing the future me in my mind of how I can be gives me the power to work hard and not give up.

Copyright 2019 Philip Reyes.  All rights reserved.

Impulses

I have been dealing with impulsive behaviors lately. An impulse is like having an itch you have to scratch. It only gets relieved by giving into it. People think we can just stop but it is almost impossible when the impulse comes.

I have been having impulses to throw things, flip light switches, spit, or request tickles. It is awful. I know it is rude and inappropriate and yet I cannot stop myself. I feel horrible when I cause trouble for others and myself. I feel anxious when I am having impulsive feelings. I feel I might cause a scene. Sometimes I do. One time I flipped a switch many times causing my classroom to have a strobe light ambience. Another time I threw my socks and shoes in class and had to leave the class.

I know I am hindering my chances to be more included when I act like this. Part of getting out of an impulsive loop is reminding myself what the consequences are to my actions. I also should take responsibility for my actions. I should pick up the things I throw. I should apologize for spitting and disruptive behavior. I should take some time to think about how my actions affect others.

Peace comes when I don’t give into an impulse. Like scratching an itch, giving into impulses always makes things worse. Learning to quiet impulses by purposeful alternative actions is my goal. I have given myself a motor plan of rubbing my hands together when impulsive thoughts start. I have been practicing at school. I am doing a lot better since I  started this. I hope my learning to control impulses can help others like me.

Relaxing in my "Space Explorer"

Copyright 2016 Philip Reyes.  All rights reserved.

Brain-Body Disconnect and How to Help

Mrs. H. writes: 

Philip, I have an autistic daughter who is now eleven years old.  I know she is intelligent because sometimes she says profound things, but she also does things sometimes which are not smart and are actually quite dangerous though we have been teaching her not to all her life, such as picking up a strangers food or drink and eating or drinking it, running away from us in a crowded place, or running into the street.  She also is very rough with our pets and small children.  I wondered if you had any insight as to why she does these things and how we can understand her and help her understand us when we try to teach her what is safe and not safe for her and others.

To Mrs. H, I also have this happen to me. I am a thinker. My care is for autistic people and making a better world for us. I can relate to your daughter.  I am attracted to certain things like leaves and flowers. I am drawn to their beauty. Part of me wants to be kind to nature but my impulsive mind wants to pick the flowers and twirl them in my hands. I can't seem to stop myself.  I see the flowers and I know I shouldn't pick them but my hands have a mind of their own. I feel badly. My mom has to remind me over and over not to pick the flowers. I can attack my impulse when someone can stop me with a word.  But a mean tone makes me want to do it more. Mean manners toward me hurt my feelings.  My answer to the question of what helps is to maintain calm and stay on top of our whereabouts. I am lacking impulse control to make my body obey my brain. It is frustrating. I am like an amputee with phantom limbs.  I seem to have limbs but I can't feel mine.  I have to see them to know they are there. I can feel them better when I move. My body doesn't feel like it belongs to me but my mind is mine. I am making an effort to make my body more obedient by meaningful activities like chores and bike riding. No person should meaninglessly live life. They should find their talent and master it. My message to parents is give us opportunities to practice our movements in a purposeful way. Help us make plans to use lots of muscle memory by going to the trouble of teaching hobbies and useful skills. Please be patient with us. I am managing my body as best as I can. No one wants to be a nuisance.

From, 

Philip

Exploring Nature in the Dominican Republic

Copyright 2015 Philip Reyes.  All rights reserved.

The Difficulty of Self-Control

A month ago I asked Philip, “What is the essential feature of your autism?”  Philip replied by spelling on his board, “I CANNOT MAKE MY BODY OBEY MY BRAIN.”  This sentiment has been repeated over and over by autistic people, especially by those who are non-speaking but have found a way to communicate alternatively by spelling on a letterboard or typing.  Yesterday Ariane Zurcher, mother and author of Emma’s Hope Book, wrote a terrific post entitled “When the Body Does not Obey the Mind” (click here to read the entire post).  The post quotes several young people about their experiences living in a body that does not listen to its mind.

I read the post to Philip this afternoon.  I wanted him to know there are many others like him and that he is not alone.  Then I asked if he wanted to share his experiences.  “Y,” he pointed.

I am in a body that does not obey my brain.  I am open minded but my actions are each day searching the peace of mind.  Tons of each day I am so tired from making my body obey my brain.  I am always estimating to overcome an impulse.  Impulses come in many different forms.  I may see food and out of the blue it makes me wholly tuned into it.  I am really too slow in my thinking to stop myself from taking the food.  I feel bad after.  I think I really need to readdress understanding real need to control my body.  I am most in control when I take some words and try to get me to follow it.  I understand a lot of verses from the Bible.  They help me touch mountains of depression and tossed wind of seeking out help.  (“What do you mean by tossed wind?” I inquired).  It means help is like tossed wind because it is hard to grasp.  The adamant art of each day is addressing my self-control by praying to God.  Each day I am eager to accept myself more.  I’m each day seeking others to friend me to let me be myself and not let me accept loneliness.  One day I want to dare myself to be friends with normal kids.    

Each day I am totally stressed about teaching myself to stop impulses.  Impulse to tear teachers apart is the worst.  I get that impulse when I am tired.  Tiredness each day to eat neatly in the cafeteria.  I am tired from noise.  Tired from accepting hard teaching.  I need rest and a break when I get in a meltdown.  I am letting God help me more.  I pray to Him when I am getting tired.  He answers me with a teaching.  It is an understanding of a token verse.  

I had the impulse to tear at Dad because I was tired from trying to type on the iPad.  In a rage I do not know how to stop.  One thing to keep in mind each day is to leave me alone when my body is lashing out so I can pattern my solace to keep calm.  (“What do you mean by ‘pattern my solace’?” I asked).  Ask on bended knee for God’s help. 

I am tired from each day telling myself to stop stims.  It is too onerous to analyze right behavior.  It is hard to coordinate all the things I need to do.  I need to listen.  Then I need to plan my action.  I am tons of work to move appropriately.  I need help to stay on task.  Tired and stressed all the time.  Someone makes leaps to have to reach me.  To better help me one should keep topping me.  (“Can you clarify?”)  They should interest me doing new things.  They should accept no excuses from me, except if I am sensory overloaded.