My Body's Struggle

I am autistic and have dyspraxia. That means I have problems making my body move the way I want it to. This is why I have trouble speaking, writing, and using my gross motor skills to interact with others. Having dyspraxia is the biggest problem for me. It is what confuses people most and makes me feel the most isolated. 

My body’s behavior is a very poor reflection of who I am on the inside. I am seemingly a lost child unaware of what is going on around me.  I come across as not being smart or capable. I mean to be more helpful but I am barely able to make myself stay regulated to do much without being beckoned to stim or give into an impulse to relieve stress. My body is a saboteur to my mind’s true intentions. 

If my body were in control I would make it sit attentively in class. I would take the most interesting classes which for me are math and social studies. I would be able to write complex equations by myself and be able to solve them. I would want to learn to play the piano like Mozart my favorite composer. I would try out for the soccer team and have lots of friends. I would be very active in volunteering to help my school be a place that includes everyone because I know what it is like to be an outsider. 

Making my body cooperate is my life long struggle. I work on it by exercising to make stronger neural connections. I continue Rapid Prompting Method to build my communication skills with new people and get more independent. I have hope I will improve in my body. Rehearsing the future me in my mind of how I can be gives me the power to work hard and not give up.

Copyright 2019 Philip Reyes.  All rights reserved.

My Disobedient Body

My body is like a very disobedient toddler. My mind is like an impatient mother, wanting her unruly child to do what she says. Tonight my dad asked me to set the table for dinner. My mind knows where each person sits. I give myself the order to make plates go to each person. I plan to carry out the order from dad. However, my feeble body balks at this order. It wants to put all the plates on one end of the table and the cups on the other end. I end up looking like an idiot who can’t understand the concept that everyone is supposed to get their own place setting. I want my body disciplined to follow the rules. How do I get my body to cooperate? This is my biggest struggle.

Copyright 2017 Philip Reyes.  All rights reserved.

Peace

I am more at peace lately. Peace in my life is letting go of my worries and making God center of my life. Making autism center is not helpful. Man should never be the center. Perfect wisdom comes from God alone. Peace comes from really teaching me about God. My mom reads me the Bible everyday. I learn that God is at work teaching people about His great love. He loves us without ceasing. I am peaceful knowing God accepts me no matter what. Mom accepts me like God does. She loves me as I am right now. This is why I can start to feel my anxiety fade away.

I make more daring decisions now. I used to be afraid of almost everything. I feared a beach with its crashing waves and many people. Now I love playing in the sand and sea. I used to have meltdowns in a noisy auditorium. I feared I would make a terrible scene. Making a scene was a bigger fear than the actual noise.

I have developed some calming strategies. One is to pray. Handing over my worries to God really helps. Wanting to please my teachers has made me not behave as badly as in the past. Naturally I am unable to control my movements and stims well. But now I am able to be in control a little more. I am more able to be calmer in new situations. I am not so fearful of making mistakes. I know I will still be loved by God and by those who see me not as a bad boy but as the real me and still accepts me. I am more courageous. I am facing fears of failure by day to day understanding I will be ok even if I fail. God always loves me.

Philip learning to skate at SABAH

Copyright 2015 Philip Reyes.  All rights reserved.

Brain-Body Disconnect and How to Help

Mrs. H. writes: 

Philip, I have an autistic daughter who is now eleven years old.  I know she is intelligent because sometimes she says profound things, but she also does things sometimes which are not smart and are actually quite dangerous though we have been teaching her not to all her life, such as picking up a strangers food or drink and eating or drinking it, running away from us in a crowded place, or running into the street.  She also is very rough with our pets and small children.  I wondered if you had any insight as to why she does these things and how we can understand her and help her understand us when we try to teach her what is safe and not safe for her and others.

To Mrs. H, I also have this happen to me. I am a thinker. My care is for autistic people and making a better world for us. I can relate to your daughter.  I am attracted to certain things like leaves and flowers. I am drawn to their beauty. Part of me wants to be kind to nature but my impulsive mind wants to pick the flowers and twirl them in my hands. I can't seem to stop myself.  I see the flowers and I know I shouldn't pick them but my hands have a mind of their own. I feel badly. My mom has to remind me over and over not to pick the flowers. I can attack my impulse when someone can stop me with a word.  But a mean tone makes me want to do it more. Mean manners toward me hurt my feelings.  My answer to the question of what helps is to maintain calm and stay on top of our whereabouts. I am lacking impulse control to make my body obey my brain. It is frustrating. I am like an amputee with phantom limbs.  I seem to have limbs but I can't feel mine.  I have to see them to know they are there. I can feel them better when I move. My body doesn't feel like it belongs to me but my mind is mine. I am making an effort to make my body more obedient by meaningful activities like chores and bike riding. No person should meaninglessly live life. They should find their talent and master it. My message to parents is give us opportunities to practice our movements in a purposeful way. Help us make plans to use lots of muscle memory by going to the trouble of teaching hobbies and useful skills. Please be patient with us. I am managing my body as best as I can. No one wants to be a nuisance.

From, 

Philip

Exploring Nature in the Dominican Republic

Copyright 2015 Philip Reyes.  All rights reserved.

Acoustics- A Music Teacher's Question

A writes:

I am going to be graduating with a music education degree in May and I am hoping to get a job at a middle school teaching beginning band. My question is what could I as a teacher do in that environment to help autistic kids who want to learn instruments, but may get overwhelmed by all of the stimuli going on in the room? What do you think would help you in that situation? Love your blog! Just discovered it yesterday and have been reading it nonstop. It helped me understand some of the autistic students I have had in the past better.

A

Philip writes:

I am a lover of music. Music plays a mighty role in my life. I am moved by a beautiful song. I am moved by melodies and good lyrics. Music is loved but sometimes it can be too loud. I am very sensitive to sound. Acoustics play a role. I have apprehension when I enter a room with hard floors and walls.  Loud sounds bounce piercing frequencies. They kill my peaceful enjoyment of music.  I feel like a glass man easily shattered by active waves of giant sound. However, I do not want to be this fearful. I toughen up by facing my fears. I am losing my sensitivity to loud places by going to them more often. I can go in church. I can go in a gym and to movies.  To face a hard environment, I am mindful of me wanting to participate. I tell myself that man attains nothing by allowing his surroundings real power to stop him from what he wants to do. I try to withstand the sensory torment by stimming to calm my nerves. In my quest to socialize I make my stims try to blend in.  I cover my stims by whispering to myself my own song to try to calm down. My advice to kids who want to learn an instrument but get overloaded is to master his fear by telling himself peace will be limited if you avoid everything that brings apprehension. To put fear to rest, address the job of meeting his goal. Make a plan to get there. Get help if needed. Learn to adapt.  And when you conquer your fear, and achieve your goal, you will achieve true peace.

You can help your students by asking them if they can tolerate auditoriums. If they can't but still want to learn, may they wear noise-cancelling headphones? You can also try to gradually expose them to the auditorium. I am peaceful in the auditorium after a year of trying little by little. Patient teachers are the best.

Philip's favorite instrument is the piano.  He can't play yet, but maybe in the future...