Why Talking Is Hard

By Philip

Talking is very very very hard for me. Most of the time I am meaning to talk aloud to answer a question of me or make small talk. I am talking in my head all the time. People who talk have no idea how hard it is to not be able to talk. I am able to communicate now with typing my thoughts. Lavishing a lot of love to RPM (Rapid Prompting Method) I am grateful for a way to show my intelligence to the world.

Talking is hard because a lot of things make it practically impossible for me to communicate what I really want through speech. I am unable to make my mouth move accurately enough to make properly sounded out words. I cannot enunciate the ends of my words. The most difficult thing is making my thoughts loose from my mind. I am peaceful practicing my words in my mind. But for my mind to make free my good words I must make my thoughts spell words to get them out and make sense to others. Typing is easier because I can point more accurately than coordinate my mouth and tongue.

My anxiety can also affect my communication. I get nervous if I look people in the eyes. Most of the time I avoid eye contact with people who I don't know well. If I feel comfortable with you I can look you in the eyes. I feel powerless to feel or think when I am overwhelmed with anxiety. I am peaceful around familiar people I have come to trust. 

I write words in my mind so they don't disappear. Typing my thoughts makes it meaningful to the world. I am better at writing than speaking. Saying a word is like catching a fish I think. I cast my line into a sea of words. I hope to get the right one but I often retrieve the wrong one. I am making maps of words to fish for. For example I may have my go-to words for eating. I am making food words to retrieve. I can say salad and get it. Maybe I would like a banana instead but since my mouth knows how to retrieve salad better, that's the word I say in place of banana.

I am practicing talking among my classmates. I mean to relax more around them. My classmates talk so fast. I am so slow. People have to wait for me to type. I am popular but it is hard to make good friends without talking. I am hoping to be more able to talk some day.

Copyright 2015 Philip Reyes.  All rights reserved.

Why I Can Type But Not Talk

Philip answers a Classmate's question.

Classmate's question:  How can you write all of that down, but can’t read it out loud or talk?

From Philip:

Talking is not the same as thinking.  I am able to write my thoughts because pointing is much easier for me to do than talking. You can talk without thinking very hard. It seems so easy for you. I think talking is so hard. It is a major struggle to move my lips and tongue to make the words I want to say come out. I want to be able to say what I think but what come out are usually stim words like "potty" or requests for food. These put me in a place of people thinking I am only capable of simple thought. No life is complete without thoughts of people, feelings, and love. People often think autistics are incapable of relationships, love, and empathy. That is furthest from the truth. People like me also want friends. But I am not able to join in easily because I can't talk. I wish I could. Language is no problem for me. That’s why I can write well. People need to know that autism is pretty hard to live with. It separates me from others by making my communication difficult. But if you can be patient with me and put me in your lives, I can be happy living with autism. People make my life meaningful. 

Philip's submission for the Autistic Self Advocacy Network (ASAN)

Autism Acceptance Month last April.

"i like being autistic because i am more in tune to things people don't usually notice. i am smart and observant. i like leaving people amazed when i talk to them on my ipad and they weren't expecting me to know so much. i like spelling my thoughts because my words people can see. i like being moved by music and lines of poetry. i like appreciating nature. i like beauty in God's creation. i love worshipping God in my spirit. i love that God gives all people worth. my life as autistic is meaningful."