Why Talking Is Hard

By Philip

Talking is very very very hard for me. Most of the time I am meaning to talk aloud to answer a question of me or make small talk. I am talking in my head all the time. People who talk have no idea how hard it is to not be able to talk. I am able to communicate now with typing my thoughts. Lavishing a lot of love to RPM (Rapid Prompting Method) I am grateful for a way to show my intelligence to the world.

Talking is hard because a lot of things make it practically impossible for me to communicate what I really want through speech. I am unable to make my mouth move accurately enough to make properly sounded out words. I cannot enunciate the ends of my words. The most difficult thing is making my thoughts loose from my mind. I am peaceful practicing my words in my mind. But for my mind to make free my good words I must make my thoughts spell words to get them out and make sense to others. Typing is easier because I can point more accurately than coordinate my mouth and tongue.

My anxiety can also affect my communication. I get nervous if I look people in the eyes. Most of the time I avoid eye contact with people who I don't know well. If I feel comfortable with you I can look you in the eyes. I feel powerless to feel or think when I am overwhelmed with anxiety. I am peaceful around familiar people I have come to trust. 

I write words in my mind so they don't disappear. Typing my thoughts makes it meaningful to the world. I am better at writing than speaking. Saying a word is like catching a fish I think. I cast my line into a sea of words. I hope to get the right one but I often retrieve the wrong one. I am making maps of words to fish for. For example I may have my go-to words for eating. I am making food words to retrieve. I can say salad and get it. Maybe I would like a banana instead but since my mouth knows how to retrieve salad better, that's the word I say in place of banana.

I am practicing talking among my classmates. I mean to relax more around them. My classmates talk so fast. I am so slow. People have to wait for me to type. I am popular but it is hard to make good friends without talking. I am hoping to be more able to talk some day.

Copyright 2015 Philip Reyes.  All rights reserved.

Speech and Language

I am continuing to teach Philip from Soma’s book.  Today I read some more of chapter 6 which addresses a parent’s question, “Sam began to talk when he was younger, but he lost the language he had.  Why?”  I asked Philip what he learned about the reading and what his experience was.  Like the boy in the example, Philip had more speech when he was younger, but has lost some of it over the years.

(Philip’s responses are in bold)

What is the difference between language and speech?

Language is the ability to use words to represent thoughts.  Speech is the ability to talk.

Can you have language without speech?

Yes.  Each day I am using language without speech.

Why do you think you had more speech when you were younger?

When I was younger I could speak better because each day I readily took to learning.  As I got older I took to stims more.  This happened because as I got older always am I tested the same for years.  Each day I no longer liked learning.  Stims were an escape from repetition.  I took to not caring about my life.  One day I dared myself to understand the world as a typical person.  I was not talking but I was listening always.  I had a strong vocabulary from hearing too much.  Now I can use it when I spell.  I am spelling with new people now.  It is tons of fun to talk to people now.  It is important to learn new things each day.  It makes life interesting.  Someday I hope all autistics will have a way to communicate like me.  I also want to teach people about autism.