Moses and Fear

As I wrote in yesterday’s post, Philip wanted me to teach him a lesson on facing fears over the weekend.  It just so happened that today I was leafing through Philip’s Stockade achievement book and the next activity was called “Controlling Your Fears.”  It was a lesson on Moses.  It was one of those little moments when you feel God’s smile and wink in your direction as He gifts you a little surprise.

I read Philip the story of Moses from Exodus 3 and 4.  It is the story of God calling Moses from the burning bush to send him to Pharoah to deliver the Israelites out of slavery in Egypt and into the Promised Land.  Moses was understandably intimidated by this tall order and kept coming back to God with excuses, even to the point of pleading, “O Lord, please send someone else to do it!”  

We began talking about fear as a natural part in everybody’s lives.  Fear can be good because it helps us to think before we act and avoid doing something stupid or dangerous.  But fear can be harmful if it keeps us from doing good things, including what God would want us to do.  We read from Exodus and then Philip answered the following:

When does Moses begin to be afraid? (Philip's answers in bold)

He began to be afraid when he hears God in the burning bush.  God says he was going to rescue His people.  It made him feel like he was solely responsible for all the people.  He was scared.  I am sure I would be scared too.

 

How does God comfort Moses?

God said “I will be with you.”  He is I AM.  He is timeless.  

In Exodus 4:13, why is Moses saying no to God? 

I think he is thinking he is not good enough to accomplish God’s plan too well.

What would be different if Moses trusted God?

He would be brave.

What would have happened if Moses let fear get in the way of doing God’s plan?

He would not see God’s glory.

How did God help Moses conquer his fear?

God answered Moses by letting him have Aaron to help him speak to Pharoah.  God gave him signs to show His power.  God gave His word.

What are some of your fears?

I am fearful of a hard life as an autistic.  I am tired from living in a world made for normal people.  I am tired of word spelling to talk when others get to talk normally.  I am sorely lonely.

  

I fear total elimination of autistics due to illness prevention programs.  Autism is not an illness.  It is a variation of humanness.  I do not want to be cured bc to be cured means to die.  There is too much talk about cure.  It is hurtful.  It makes me feel worthless.  It makes me feel so sad.

I fear the kind of learning most autistics get.  I am fearful that they won’t be educated to address important skills to understand the world and get a chance to communicate.  I fear they will get hurt by restraints.  I fear they will get nowhere.  No way out.  I fear they are so sad.  I fear there is no hope.  I fear they will die without a trace.  I fear they are terrified by the teachers who do not know they are smart.  Each day I yearn to help them.

How does God help you with your fears?

God helps me care about others to help them.  He works to help bring me to people who can help me.  He lead me to Soma coupled with Tracy, Harvey, and Lisa.  He answers my prayers to speak and learn.  God is my Savior and Lord.  He is always with me.  I do not have to be afraid with God.  He is my courage and strength.  I am blessed.  The end.

     

The Joy in Trials

This past week we have been preparing Philip for his transition to public school.  He is very excited, but as to be expected for any child going through a major transition, he is also quite anxious.  We have been talking through his feelings and today we looked into God’s word to get some good perspective on facing trials.

We looked over the first chapter in the book of James.  A portion of what we read says:  Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.  (James 1:2-5)

Do you know what trials are?

It is a stressful time.

Do you face trials?

Y (for yes).  I am autistic.  I am mute and my challenge is proving I am smart.  I am assumed to be pretty stupid.  I am not in control of my body well.  No peace for my senses.

What does the Bible say about trials?

Trials are good bc (because) they help us to need God.  Trials are good bc each day we depend on giving each ounce of our need to God to answer our leaning-on-Him prayers.  

What is perseverance?

Never giving up.

How is this related to trials?

Trials test your faith.  Trials open you to God.  Trials educate you to know God and to become more like Jesus.

A couple of weeks ago we studied the famous photographer Dorothea Lange who took the iconic pictures of the Great Depression.  We studied that time period and looked at her pictures.  I had asked Philip his impression of them.  “I like them.  They show the tension of the testing of stressful times.”

Today we again looked at Lange’s photo “Migrant Mother” and the story behind the California pea pickers.  Philip wrote this response:

A Sad Time

A mom was poor to address money.  She understood she was each day trying to survive.  She and her kids each tried to pick enough food to eat.  She sold her car’s tires to make money.  Dorothea Lange took her picture.  She became famous.  There is always hope.  I am reaching out to the world to make my trials known so people will understand autism.   

 Migrant Mother by Dorothea Lange

Miracles and Answers to Prayer

I cannot recall a day without a struggle or frustration of some sort.  Most days, they are not too bad, but some days they can be so overwhelming and seem so insurmountable all you can do is cry.  I’ve had days I’ve broken down to the ladies in my Bible study so overcome with grief about Philip never improving, frustration that he’d never be toilet trained, and many other things.  I’d wonder if God would ever answer my prayers.  When you are in the midst of a struggle, it is hard to see an end.  It is hard to see how any good can come of it. 

I’ve learned to just pray.  I can’t say I understand the mechanism behind it or how God chooses to answer or what His time frame is, but I can say I HAVE SEEN GOD ANSWER PRAYER AND I HAVE SEEN HIS MIRACLES.  This doesn’t mean that life is now problem free.  But when I am facing another challenge or struggle, I can be encouraged by looking back at how God has carried me through in the past and blessed me over and over again. 

Today my friend Ellie and her son Nelson came over again.  Philip and Nelson played a couple games of UNO and Philip even spelled “CONGRATS” to Nelson after he won.  They chatted a little and then went outside to join Carlos on the trampoline and play soccer.  Ellie told me she was doing some back-to-school shopping and we got on the topic of schooling.  She told me she spent much time praying about where she should send the kids and how Christian Central Academy kept entering her mind daily as well as the scripture, “You do not have because you do not ask.”  When they finally met with the school and asked for help so their three children could attend, they were granted it- a prayer answered!

I then told Ellie some prayers God answered for me- and now I will tell them to you.  These are just a few of the many…

When we were in Miami, during the first year of Philip’s diagnosis, we had a home ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis) Program.  We had a staff of students trained by a licensed behaviorist named Andrea Holladay.  There were 2 students from the University of Miami and 3 from Miami Springs High School.  The kids took turns coming to our house teaching Philip the basics of learning- sitting at a table, answering to his name, colors, shapes, letters, numbers, imitating, identifying objects and actions, categorizing, the beginnings of speech.  They worked tirelessly with Philip 6 days a week.  Philip learned a lot, but at times it was exhausting managing and training that many people.  At the end of the first year, all my students were graduating and moving on.  I couldn’t bear to think of finding another group of kids, training them again, and starting over.  I prayed and asked God what we should do next.  This is what His answer was:

At the end of the year, not only were my students graduating, but Andrea, our behaviorist, was moving to Lakeland, a town in central Florida.  She told me her friend Juliana Hunt who was also a BCBA (licensed behaviorist) was starting a school.  She gave me Juliana’s card, we hugged, said our goodbyes, and never saw each other again.  Then I dialed Juliana’s number.  It turned out she was starting her school called ISMILE (Institute of Special Minds Interacting in a Learning Environment) at Poinciana United Methodist Church in Miami Springs.  This church was located exactly next door to our house!  We literally would walk 50 ft from our front door and there we were!   Not only that, but the school was affordable and had trained BCBAs as teachers.  Philip had a great 3 years at ISMILE.

Our next miracle took longer in the making.  Who understands God’s timing?  In the Bible God brought about His promise of a son to Abraham many years after he and his wife were of childbearing age.  Abraham was more than 100 years old.  I wonder how agonizing that must have been to have to wait that long.  Yet, in another instance, God answered the prayer of Abraham’s servant to find Isaac a wife even before he finished praying!  

I remember immediately after Philip was diagnosed I told Pastor Van in Miami to please pray for Philip.  He did right then.   During Sunday services, he would often remember to pray for Philip and our family, among other requests, in front of our church body.  I also sent my church in Buffalo a request for Philip to be on the prayer chain.  I included a video that showed what autism was like so they could get a feel of what to pray for.     

It took many years of praying by many people before we got our next miracle- one I had never thought we’d ever get.  My Aunt Maricel is a true prayer warrior.  She has probably prayed even more fervently than me and with stronger faith than me.  She told me she was praying for Philip daily and knew God would heal him.  I would say things like “maybe God is using Philip to teach me patience and maybe he is choosing to answer no to somehow bring me closer to God.”   “No,” Maricel would say, “God will bring Philip good too.  You will see.”

I have had others who have specially prayed for us.  My friend Jean and I have a habit of emailing each other on a regular basis to exchange prayer requests and praises.  At one lunch meeting she told me that as much as she can pray and empathize, perhaps I need to find a support group with other parents going through the same thing.  Her advice, given in love, is what spurred me on to start my current autism support group.  

My Wednesday morning ladies’ Bible study has been instrumental in lifting us up in prayer.  Nichole, Deb, Connie, Paula, and Maricel have been my front line of prayer.  Kit, Lena, Jen, Janette, Amanda, Eun Kyoung, Betty, Kim, and Leigh have also prayed for us.  Our Bible study meets and prays every week.  There are so many requests we have brought to God and seen remarkable answers.  We have prayed people through cancer, job searches, adoption, tragedies, deaths in the family, and for God’s peace, among many other things.  We’ve seen God answer over and over in ways He is glorified by His amazing grace and goodness to us.  I believe the many prayers for Philip is what lead us on our path to Soma.  During the time of waiting God was teaching me many things: trusting in Him, patience, perseverance, mercy, and compassion.  He was also building a large support network for us and training me to eventually help others like Philip and our family.  

I have mentioned before how instrumental my autism support group has been in helping me discover Soma.  You can read about it here.  In the days leading up to our trip to Austin to see Soma for the first time, I emailed as many people as I knew, who knew about Philip, to pray for us.  I sent them a video link of Soma's segment on 60 Minutes and asked for prayer that Philip would respond to this method.  I myself was so nervous it wouldn’t work, but hopeful that it would.  Even though I felt doubt that it would work, I knew in my whole being that God could do as He pleased.  He could help Philip through Soma.  So I, along with countless others, prayed and prayed.  I know my Bible study met the Wednesday without me and spent a long time praying for us while we were in Austin.  I literally could feel their prayers as Philip went from tantrumming the previous day (Tuesday), his first time with Soma, to sitting through his lessons and amazing us with his knowledge that was tucked away from us all these years and just now releasing itself for the first time.  I came away with tears of joy each day.  

As you know, our lives have been changed for the better through God’s answers to prayer.  In the next few days I will post our letters of prayer and praise during our first trip to see Soma.

    Philip and his teachers from ISMILE

The Greatest Teacher

Today I was treated to a comprehensive lesson plan given by the greatest teacher of them all: God.  I know God teaches me everyday, but today He got my full attention.  The lesson involved instruction from His textbook, the Bible, as well as supplemental teaching from a child whom few would count as a teacher, and plenty of opportunities for practical application.

This morning I met with my beloved Ladies’ Bible study group.  Sometime, I will have to devote a post solely to them as they have been a lifeline and support to me in so many ways.  We have been going through the workbook called The Essential Commandment by Greg Ogden and studying in depth what it means to love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength and to love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:29-31).  Today I caught up with the ladies on how my vacation went, spent time in prayer, and then looked at Matthew 9:9-13.  In these verses, Jesus is seen having dinner at the tax collector Matthew’s house with a motley crew of “sinners”.  When the Pharisees, the upstanding religious leaders of the day, saw this, they indignantly asked the disciples why Jesus allows himself to be associated with such a crowd. 

On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.  But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’  For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Matthew 9:12-13)

Just these 4 verses sparked so much great conversation.  Connie, the wisest of our group and a great-grandmother, got us going by wondering, “Who would be in the group Jesus ate with today?” We started thinking of the people you'd stereotypically think church-goers would avoid: homosexuals, addicts, abortionists, criminals.  Then it started getting personally convicting for me.  What other barriers might I have consciously or unconsciously put up to hinder loving my neighbor as myself?  Often I tend to gravitate to people I feel more comfortable with.  It may be based on similarities in my age, age of my kids, or just a click in our personalities.  There is a man at my church a little older than me who has a very debilitating constant tremor.  He lives with his parents and comes to church with them each week.  Somehow, in the process of us moving to the back of the church since Philip has been having problems at the service, we managed to find a new permanent seat behind them.  I still have yet to talk to Z, other than saying hi.  I started thinking about the irony of this.  Here I am, a mom with a special needs child, still feeling uncomfortable about speaking to an adult with special needs.  I shared this thought with my Bible study and Connie reassured me, “God has moved you there on purpose.  I’ll be praying you make a connection with that family.” 

We then talked about what Jesus meant when He said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.”  I can relate to this analogy very well.  I am a terrible patient.  I do not get my annual physical.  I think, “What’s the point?  I’m healthy.  I don’t need to use up a day at the doctor’s office when I’m fine.”  The thing is, a lot of things can get discovered at the doctor’s when you get checked up regularly.  You can’t feel the cholesterol in your blood or readily see a lump that may be starting to grow in your breast.  It is a fact that nobody’s body keeps going on perfectly while on earth.  In the same way, we all have a spiritual need for God.  Whether we recognize it, is the issue.  Once we see our own need, Jesus can fill it.

Finally, we aimed to understand Jesus’s statement, “Go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’”  What is mercy?, we asked.   Compassion, kindness, active concern for someone else’s well-being.  Mercy has its focus being on our neighbor rather than ourselves.  I think sacrifice is a way of seeing the same charitable acts we do with a self-focus.  “Look what I did for you.  Look what I had to give up for you,” says sacrifice.

This lesson is very applicable to me daily.  I still have days I feel sorry for myself for not having the life I imagined it would be.  If you read my last post about our vacation, you can see how I took a stance of sacrifice and it turned into a woe is me.  I wanted Philip to go to the beach with me because I wanted to enjoy what I like.  I had to give up my preferences to be with him at the pool.  Instead, I should have practiced mercy from the get-go.  Understanding how much the sound of the waves hurt Philip’s ears should have made me more tenderhearted and concerned for Philip to the point that easing his discomfort would be a higher and more satisfying priority than doing what pleased myself.  This will be a lesson repeated over and over.  Thank God  I not only have the teachings of Jesus to help, but His example, as well as His great mercy on me for when I mess up again and again.

Now I have to tell you how Philip wrapped up my lesson for the day.  Philip and I were having our talk time with his letterboard in the dining room.  I decided we would talk about the places we visited.  The first place we went to was Philadelphia.  Before the trip, I had taught Philip about colonial times and Independence Day.  Besides visiting U Penn we also visited Independence Hall where the Declaration of Independence was signed.  Here’s how our conversation went:

Me: Tell me something about Philadelphia.

Philip: I like saying Declaration of Independence was designed to say no one in USA is unequal.

Wouldn’t that neatly sum up Jesus’s words for me today?  Now expand it to the world. 

We had dinner at an old colonial meeting house for mechanics.